Examples of edited essays with explanations

Here are a few examples of edited essays with explanations:

Example 1: Improving Clarity

Original Essay: “The impact of social media on society is a complex issue. Many people use it to connect with others, but it also has negative effects. For example, it can lead to addiction and decreased face-to-face communication skills.”

Edited Essay: “The impact of social media on society is a multifaceted issue. On one hand, social media provides a platform for people to connect with others across the globe, fostering a sense of community and connection. On the other hand, excessive social media use can lead to addiction, decreased attention span, and a decline in face-to-face communication skills. This dichotomy highlights the need for responsible social media use and digital literacy.”

Explanation: The edited essay improves clarity by breaking down the complex issue into two distinct points, using transitional phrases (“on one hand”, “on the other hand”) to connect the ideas. The language is also more precise, with words like “multifaceted” and “dichotomy” adding depth to the argument.

Example 2: Enhancing Organization

Original Essay: “I love playing soccer because it’s a great way to stay active. I’ve been playing since I was a kid, and I’ve learned many valuable skills. For instance, teamwork, discipline, and communication are essential for success in the game. Additionally, soccer has taught me about perseverance and hard work.”

Edited Essay: “My passion for soccer stems from its numerous benefits, including improved physical health and valuable life skills. Through my years of playing, I have developed essential skills such as teamwork, discipline, and communication, which are crucial for success in the game. Furthermore, soccer has instilled in me important values like perseverance and hard work, allowing me to grow both as a player and an individual.”

Explanation: The edited essay improves organization by introducing a clear thesis statement (“My passion for soccer stems from its numerous benefits…”) that sets the tone for the rest of the essay. The ideas are then grouped into logical paragraphs, with transitional phrases (“Through my years of playing”, “Furthermore”) connecting the ideas and highlighting the progression of thought.

Example 3: Strengthening Argumentation

Original Essay: “Climate change is a serious issue that affects us all. We should reduce our carbon footprint by using public transportation and recycling. This will help to mitigate the effects of climate change.”

Edited Essay: “The devastating impact of climate change on our planet necessitates immediate attention and collective action. One effective way to reduce our carbon footprint is by utilizing public transportation, which not only decreases greenhouse gas emissions but also alleviates traffic congestion. Additionally, implementing recycling programs can significantly minimize waste and promote sustainable practices. By adopting these measures, we can mitigate the effects of climate change and ensure a more environmentally conscious future.”

Explanation: The edited essay strengthens argumentation by using more persuasive language (“devastating impact”, “necessitates immediate attention”) to emphasize the urgency of the issue. The evidence is also more specific and detailed, with concrete examples (“utilizing public transportation”, “implementing recycling programs”) that support the claim. Finally, the conclusion is more assertive, with a clear call to action (“we can mitigate the effects of climate change…”).

Example 4: Improving Tone

Original Essay: “I think that school uniforms are a bad idea. They’re uncomfortable and restrict our freedom of expression. We should be able to wear what we want.”

Edited Essay: “While I understand the intention behind implementing school uniforms, I strongly believe that they have several drawbacks. For instance, uniforms can be restrictive and uncomfortable, limiting students’ ability to express their individuality. Furthermore, uniforms may not account for different body types or personal styles, potentially leading to self-consciousness and decreased confidence. Instead of imposing a uniform dress code, schools could consider promoting inclusivity and diversity through more flexible dress policies.”

Explanation: The edited essay improves tone by adopting a more nuanced and respectful approach to the topic. The language is more formal and objective, avoiding confrontational phrases (“I think that school uniforms are a bad idea”) in favor of more thoughtful and considerate expressions (“While I understand the intention…”). The tone is also more constructive, offering alternative solutions (“Instead of imposing a uniform dress code…”) rather than simply criticizing the existing policy.